About one year ago, 13 months to be exact, I sat in a hotel room in Sydney reflecting on how far my had come until that point. 

About two years ago, 26 months to be exact, I rode the #160 bus from the southwest corner to the northeast corner of Seoul looking for my lost wallet. 

As I write this I am listening to the same music from both the bus and the hotel room. 

I am writing this because I promised myself I would. 

Although physically I look nearly identical to the me of one year and even two years ago, I feel the rest of my being has change and grown around me. 

The young woman in that hotel room last year was still very young in spirit. She put the “young” in the phrase young woman. 

She still hoped and believed in things like fairy-tale happy endings and the words of romantics. 

A part of me still is that young woman but a larger part of me is not. 

The last 13 months have taken their toll on me. While I have achieved many great things in the past 13 months, I have also had my heart trampled on time and time again. I am tired. I am weary. I want different things from my life. 

The dreams of a lovely romance and the delusions of a grand career where I could do the research I loved with freedom are now replaced with the much more practical finding of a job that pays the bills and not seeking love until the rest of my life circumstances are in order. 

The way I think has changed as well. 

Even only a few months ago, I would follow the capricious whims of my heart rather than look at my circumstances objectively and consider all the possible consequences of my decisions. Now it is the opposite. 

Perhaps I am getting more fearful as the years start to tick on by. I am no longer a child and I cannot behave as such. 

I don’t possess the same boundless yet reckless freedom that I once roamed the streets and nights with. 

Now I simply want stability, security, and a nice warm place to return to before the night ends. 

I have had my share of liaison’s or affairs or whatever you want to call them in the past year. Part of life (here) is seeing a constant stream of people flow into and flow out of your presence. 

Now I want to commit to those people (friends, lovers…) and things that have the potential to last forever rather than those liaisons that last for a mere fleeting moment or two. 

I don’t have the same energy anymore to give to everyone who may pop-in to my life. 

I can only give my time and energy to those who I consider valuable in my life. 

Instead of the wayward daydreamer of years past, I feel as if I am morphing into someone else; someone more like a world-weary straight-shooter. 

Perhaps it is my increase in fear or simply laziness that prevents me from leaving this place that I have called home for nearly 4 years. 

While there are many things I’d like to leave behind in Korea, there nearly as many things that I’d like to keep. 

The biggest thing is probably that I know how live independently, relatively, here and that I have never lived as an adult in any other place. 

This is not to say that I can’t or couldn’t live anywhere else, I am sure that I can, it is more that I am scared. 

I am scared to leave behind my comfortable life for a life that is at best uncertain. 

Living in Korea, thankfully though, has given me the skills and built up the confidence in those skills to assure that I can survive and thrive anywhere in the modern, developed world. 

Moreover, I have changed a lot in the past year and I’m sure sure that I will change again in the next year. I, nor anyone else, can predict what will happen even tomorrow. 

A part of the “old me” will always remain somewhere inside me but I need to keep being reborn in order to keep up with the constant changes in life. 

I think I can say that though whatever and wherever my next life is, I will thrive in it sooner or later. 

And maybe, just maybe you may still catch a glimpse of that girl on the bus, the young woman in Sydney, or even the girl who came to Korea if you look carefully enough at me in the next day, next month, or in the next year. 

I think I shall write to both my friends and myself again just to check up on my progress! 

sometimes when there is nothing else… writing helps me find the peace i desire. 

a way with words

a way of the herds

all careening into a blur

that i want to be her

coming to me slowly 

like the soft wind blowing

with all the sheen of a sun drenched dream

this calamity we call reality

comes with the brevity

of a young man drunk on love, sex, and revolution

he has a way with words 

his way is the way of the herds 

evocative and intoxicating 

this requiem for complacency 

spins our minds into a blur 

that we blame on her

the virgin goddess

or the virgin’s bodice 

with all the broken dreams 

of a wine stained movie scene 

the words float on

as do we

not too warm, not too cold
to draw you into the fold
of my down comforter
to comfort you
with coffee flavored lips
and toffee flavored dips
all to make you fall
at the end of fall

is it just me or does fall seem like the perfect season to fall in love? cool weather, warm weather, and all the things you can do in spring, summer, and winter plus more?

beauty is what beauty does
beauty is what beauty loves

when i wrote this last year at the end of march… i had no idea what it meant… now i think i have a better idea

draw me through a straw 

like something raw

reborn in the morning

fresh out of mourning

longing for belonging

for just a little longer

this is a letter that i wrote to my ex at the start of our relationship in april 2011

i want to share it with everyone now.

not so long ago i didn’t know you

but already 

when i lie down to sleep at night my mind drifts to you.

when i wake in the morning the first thought in my head is of you. 

when you’re near enough to touch my heart beats so fast i cannot breathe.

when you’re far i become listless and sad. 

wonderfully frightening and frighteningly wonderful are these feelings that consume me

every moment of every day now

my body, my heart, my soul

long to be filled by you. 

to be sure, i have never felt the way i feel with you ever before-

truly nothing, with any person, comes close. 

the opposite of love is not hate. the opposite of love is indifference. finally, it is all over now. 

내 마음이 잠겨있음

암호 입력해보여줘~

뭔지 알잖아…

너무 간단하거든


michigan state university
you’ve never seen this before…

wrote this last week tuesday

i am struggling with finding my reason for being.

i think this problem is mostly due to the fact that i’ve always defined and considered myself a part of an entity larger than myself such as the environment or people around me. 

even in my photos this concept is apparent… humans/people are always visible but they are secondary to the environment/scenery around them

because i am unable to differentiate the individual self from its environment i am unable to clearly define the boundaries of my individual identity and likewise personal reason for being.

you may be wondering why i seem to care so much. well… to put it simply, i have heard that in order to fall in and maintain love you need to both know yourself and love yourself first. but the thing is… how can you know and love yourself if you always see yourself as more than a single individual? 

// i also have a theory about the individual constantly changing and evolving throughout a lifetime and how the people we love are also constantly changing and evolving throughout our lifetime. think maybe, the lover you have when you are 18 compared with the love that you desire at 30 or 40? kind of like changing your lover to fit your lifestyle or finding someone who can adapt and embrace you as you evolve… but this really is another story. don’t ask me now~

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